Words and Pop Culture in London Deciphered Summer 2008

Alan Bennett: God

Amy Winehouse: Talented British retro soul singer/song writer. Child of destiny and Fleet Street. Hounded by both.

Babes: Common term of endearment used to denote casual to semi- important friend or potential poke female or male. Currently the most over used word in London, especially in the East End and SW,especially by men who wear Nikes, drink Stella Artois, own Staffordshire terriers and/or who do computer landscaping of retail parks.

Clapham High Street Man: Gay male, usually nicely and unpretentiously dressed. Nice to occasionally frowny looking with white fitted T-shirt and Peter Gabriel (then or now) style quiffs. Still has Basia and Ace of Base on CD in the garden shed.

Doug Stanhope: American comedian best known for saying that "Irish men sleep with children" because - as the headline to the following day's Irish Daily Star put it (misreportedly) - "Irish women are too ugly to rape!" Hugely popular in the UK.

Elderflower Cordial: Life's blood to some. Wee water to others.

Friend (when used in conversation by a male to a female to describe another female who is not present): Usually denotes f*ck buddy, casual acquaintance once poked now straggling or being encouraged to straggle to become poke. Also occasional meal, beverage, housing, lodging, athletic label knock off clothing provider. Usually but not always compartmentalized by the user. Can also be euphemism for an ex- girlfriend or someone they are currently in an uncommitted relationship and/or dead end relationship with. A name may or not be used

Friend: (when used in conversation by a female to a male to describe another male who is not present) Usually denotes potential date that did not go anywhere but is on the back burner for monetary or social reasons and is able to provide an interesting gist to the conversation at hand or to create a general air of mystery to keep said male guessing. Can also be euphemism for an ex- boyfriend or someone they are currently in an uncommitted relationship with. A name is usually used.

Fulham High Street Man: Tall to medium height male, with flowing pirate or paisley up market shirt, leather wing tips and boot cut Seven for all Mankind jeans, serious frown or distracted angst is apparent from IVF and remodel bills yet paid. Usually pushing a pram or walking alongside one. Has one in four chance of leaving his wife for an Eastern European Au pair by the time the kids are pushing ten. Will be on holiday in Spain or Norway this year.

Internet Cafe SW: Cool to very sweltering place usually run by very kind to mildly annoying Londoners of Somali background and provides the PCless with earphones, CCTV and connections that die when You Tube videos are streaming. Will shut for mid day prayer at least two days a week.

John Cleese: Treasured British Comedian and Monty Python Alumnus who has turned down a knighthood as well as peerage in the House of Lords. Openly and charmingly slagged his hometown of Weston-super-Mare recently. Weston-super Mare's pier burnt to a crunchy crisp three days later.

Kate Moss: Inarticulate, untouchable, vacuously famous, skeletal Coke hag with contracts and millions of pounds plus a child being raised by under paid aupairs.

Luci Pinder: What Guy Ritchie never gets or stunning mega mammary endowed, hourglassy glamour model and writer for mens' magazines who smashes the myth that British women of Anglo descent aren't hot. See also Michelle Marsh and Kelly Brook.

Max Mosley: Formula One Race mogul who recently won 60,000 pounds ($124,000) in damages for invasion of privacy after the British tabloid newspaper News of the World accused him of playing "sick Nazi sex games" in an orgy with several women. Is said to be a huge fan of both Wagner's Ring Cycle and Venus Vibrance hair removal systems.

Michael Palin's Diaries 1969 to 1979/The Python Years: A tome that will not only give you great insight into the early days of Python but will make you wonder how one human being has the time to eat, meet and greet at every single restaurant in Great Britain, sometimes New York and a few islands, remembers what he ate and how it was washed down with small to vast quantities of alcoholic beverages. While the reader feels touched by both this man's prodigious appetite and love for his family, his entreaties at your humble bistro or barrio lean to are not to be refused!

Pubs: The Walden Ponds of London. Nuff said.

Text Messaging: London intimacy personified. Texting is the means to write the next Swann's Way.

Tony Benn: Beloved Labour MP and Statesman. Currently the only politician (arguably the only person) within a 16 mile radius of London with any sound values or ethics.

Waitroses: Upmarket, Whole Foods style supermarket now popular in London. Waitroses' bags are preferred by 4 out 6 maids for emptying out the Dyson. Their Guernsy blackberry whip is to die for.